Wednesday, 20 May 2015

The ultimate Eurovision drinking game™

Dissatisfied with other generic Eurovision drinking games online, and after many years of market-testing my own rules, I am satisfied that I have created the ultimate version and am delighted to pass on the rules to you, my fellow drunken Europop aficionados.

You will need:
- A TV, broadcasting the Eurovision Song Contest
- Booze, of your choice
- Optional national dress
- Scorecards, with a line for each country and a space to award marks out of ten for performance quality, catchiness, lyrical genius, costume/props and Eurovision spirit.

Have a drink when any of the following take place. I have helpfully divided the occurrences up into likely categories.

  • Pyrotechnics
  • Key change
  • Use of national dress
  • Actual words replaced with ‘doo doo’, ‘la la’ etc.
  • Performer drops to knees as part of routine
  • Performer includes a fist of pure emotion
  • Performer makes peace sign
  • Performers wear all-white costumes
  • Complicated love metaphor lost in translation in song lyrics
  • Animals *
  • Doves released *
  • Excessive dry ice
  • Twins
  • Wind machine
  • Eurohunk dancers
  • Interpretative solo or group dance
  • A-capella bridge accompanied by clapping
  • Wink to camera
  • Language changes mid-performance
  • Item of clothing ripped off during performance (intentional or otherwise)
  • Low-quality burlesque
  • Rapping
  • Yodelling
  • A gong
  • Convoluted message about world peace
  • Religious/historical iconography 
  • Overly technical projections
  • Lead singer's vocals either performed or supplemented by semi-hidden backing singer
  • Camera operator clearly trips/falls over
Hosts & Commentators
  • ‘Knowing’ remark about a nation not really being part of Europe
  • Flirtatious banter between hosts
  • Hosts sing
  • Female hostess changes costume
  • Nil points for the UK
  • A country gives 12 points to a neighbour
  • Technical problem or sound delay during voting
  • Quick cut to low-scoring act in green room; performer shrugs at camera
  • National judge congratulates the hosts on an excellent show
  • National judge makes awkward joke reciprocated with little to no laughter from hosts
  • Hosts attempt to get national judge to speed up
  • Dry/sarcastic exchange between female host and national judge implying previous dispute
  • Surprise minor celebrity delivering a national result
  • Blatant use of CGI background displaying national heritage site (double drinks if the background fails to appear)
  • Previous contestant returns to deliver a nation's scores
  • The news is delayed due to the show massively over-running
At any stage
  • Politically-charged booing
  • 'Lost in translation' moment
  • Mild racism from any stakeholder

From your scorecard...
Add up your scores to pick your winner before the results are announced. If they win the actual contest, you win a bottle of booze. Or something.

*A wise Eurofriend has advised me that animals (including doves) are not permitted on stage. So there you go.

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